Do you class it as our second child or is that an insult to the one we lost? I know I would definitely not class it as my second pregnancy, it is my third. I WAS pregnant, there just wasn’t a living, breathing child placed into my arms after 40 weeks.
However this past month I have finally been feeling like I have overcome a big hurdle. I no longer look at pregnant people or baby’s without feeling like someone has stabbed me in the gut. Don’t get me wrong, that pain is still there, but lately it has been feeling a little more dull, a little more bearable and I never thought that day would come.
My due date was at the end of April and it was an incredibly hard day to get through but it was the running up to it that I was working myself up for. Once that day came and went I was relieved. I survived. I got through it. I don’t know whether it’s that that has made me realise I am strong and I can do this but I definitely think it helped.
I was stuck in the past or constantly looking for the future that could have been. But lately I am slowly feeling like I can see our family growing instead of constantly wondering what the baby we lost would have been like. I feel ready, but am I?
I still get worked up every time Stuart comes anywhere near me, never-mind if he mentions trying for another child. I can’t help myself. I want to feel that closeness with him but sex just reminds me that that’s where baby’s come from and sometimes they’re taken away.
We jumped straight into trying again after our miscarriage and a few months later I knew I wasn’t ready because it was heartbreaking seeing those negative pregnancy tests when I knew I should have still been pregnant with that baby. Am I ready to see those negative tests again? I’m not delusional I know that it might not happen straight away so am I ready for that disappointment? I don’t know, will I ever know unless we try?
I suppose the big reason I feel so scared to start trying is, what if it happens again? Am I strong enough to go through losing another baby? Uncertainty is always scary isn’t it? If I was to live my life always being scared of the unknown then would I ever truly be happy? I don’t think so.
I have never been good with “what ifs” I’m usually the type of person to jump straight into things and wonder about the consequences later. So I don’t think I could live with myself if I didn’t at least try.
I want another child more than anything and I guess the question I have been trying to answer myself lately is, what’s stopping me? There are always going to be concerns when you go through something heartbreaking such as miscarriage.
I have also struggled with the guilt of not feeling like I have enough. After all I have one healthy, bubbly, little girl. Shouldn’t I be grateful? In short, yes. I should. But I also shouldn’t beat myself up for wanting more because I know I have so much more to give.
I am incredibly grateful that I get to love and have my child here with me, to watch her grow is something I won’t ever take for granted and that is because of my miscarriage not in spite of it. I have realised that yes, I do want another child but that also if it never happens for us, then my heart might hurt a little, or even a lot, but I will be okay. I am okay.